I acted like an empowered woman. I was lying.
Hello! I am Emily. I joined Inner Spirit Photography after being a client. I am a mom of 2, a mechanic and wife, and This is a snapshot of My story.
When I walked into the world of Inner Spirit Photography I had no idea what would happen but I’m so glad that I did. The things I learned, confronted, and embraced about myself and my insecurities have had such a deep impact on my life. It has changed me forever. I would like to share some of my story with you.
I had acted like I believed an empowered woman would. I supported my family, while my husband went through university. I bought the car, I bought the house, I kept us alive. I was strong. I pushed through my disorders and confronted the world daily.
I was lying.
I hated me.
Looking into the mirror was something done under only the most extreme necessity. In those circumstances I was always dressed, and tried never to look “at my self”. If I was looking in the mirror I was there to get something done, and run away. I thought I was fat and horrid. So avoiding a mirror was vital to my happiness.
I would cry for hours over catching a glimpse of the deep purple worm of varicose veins that ripple over my body, crisscrossed with silver stretch marks, new found folds, flaps, sags, bumps, lumps, craters and cellulite all turning me more into a topographical road map than a “woman.”
I avoided the camera; pictures were not gonna happen. Seeing friends from school; nope. Anything or anyone who I believed could see or show me the “mess” I had become were avoided at all costs.
And yet there I was sitting in a bathrobe, preparing for a NAKED photo shoot… terrified.
Jan had me seated in her makeup chair and started to work her magic.
Jan has an indescribable superpower. I can’t pinpoint it, maybe it’s her demeanor, attitude, grace; something in her is magical. As she worked away, a weight lifted, terror gave way to excitement; everything was going to be ok.
Mark entered the studio with exuberance and laughter, telling jokes and stories. The session began and ended. Never in my life has 4 hours gone by so fast.I had been NAKED, with a strange man, in the dark for 4 hours! Not once did I feel “NAKED” or exposed, I felt free.
My ears had been filled with stories, my ribs hurt from laughter. I felt like I could take on the world.
I had no idea what would happen when I went for my viewing.
There is no wavering or warning signs. I didn’t feel scared. The terror that had left me when I did the shoot, and had not returned.
I was excited, tingly even.
It was time.
I had to face tangible images of what I had become. The mess that I had created, hated. The “thing” I would routinely pick apart, degrade and tell it wasn’t good enough. The reason that with all the good in my life I still wasn’t happy. The body that absorbed all of the abuse and punishment I could dish out, years without sleep, of drunken nights, creating life, years of passion and rejection, of failure and success. Punishing work and personal stupidity, all of it, everything. The overweight, overworked, stretched-thin disaster I had become, and couldn’t love.
I was confronted with a 7ft x 8ft version of my self, exposed, naked, imperfect.
I was my own worst enemy, if there was a chink in my armor I put it there.
I learned to love my self, to own my self, and accept myself through these images.
My world was changed by this new acceptance and love I have found within.
I believe I have truly become an empowered woman.